Question:
So I’ve met this really cool guy and we seem to be hitting it off, we spent a lot of time together recently. I’ve recently found out that he has a 4 month old son, who he is trying to get custody of. I think that’s great! Stepping up and taking responsibility, kuddos to him. My issue is I’m not getting any younger, and I’m not sure if I want to be with a guy, who has a kid. It’s not a bad thing, but I’m worried about my future, my future with him and my future with the kid. Is this something that I should be worried about?
Answer:
I don’t think worried is the right word. What you need to do, is figure out if having a child that is not yours, in your life, is an issue? If you are unsure, my gut says go for it, give it a try. The infant is young enough that he won’t get attached at this time. Even after a year of dating, the baby won’t be filled with the heart ache and loss that a walking and talking child will… but keep in mind that you might. We as adults entering into relationships that not only involve a partner, but a little one when they you not only mourn the loss of your partner, but also the child. Another question for you – are you going to be ok with being second in line, because his baby is going to be his number one priority? The only reason I would be against this relationship is that his priority right now is going to be his child. Whether it is going to court to get custody of him or spending bonding time alone, his son is going to be number one which means this might not be the right time. He is going to have to figure out what HE wants right now. If you start dating now, time will only tell. He might feel pulled in different directions between his child and you, and with this game of tug-of-war, he’s going to let go of one side, and you will just have to be prepared… because it will probably be you.
erin says
I agree! As a woman who dated a man with a daughter, remember that you will ALWAYS be #2. Think: vacations (no, I can’t go on a vacation with you because I have to take care of my kid) spending money (no, I can’t do that I have to buy diapers, save for college, take my kid to the doctor) etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s ok once you’ve established a relationship and had a life together- when you have your own baby you make a conscious decision to make that child #1 in both of your lives- However, when you’re just beginning to date someone, I think it’s o.k to want to be a little bit of a priority.
Also
erin says
Oops, I hit send without finishing my thought!
Also, think of parenthood. Are you ready? I mean REALLY ready? I thought I might be- but then my boyfriend’s daughter was diagnosed with cancer. I was NOT ready for that. I thought I could do it, but holy cow… that was such a monkey wrench.
Anyway. Good luck in whatever you decide, and make sure you’re not “playing mommy” because it’s fun. Do it because this is the way you want your life to be.
Oh, and by the way- there are two sides to every story- especially when there is a child involved. I’m not saying your guy isn’t noble or a good dad- but there’s a reason he and the baby’s mom aren’t together. Make sure you protect yourself too.
KK says
Awesome feedback and comments Erin! Thank you so much!
Kellie says
This is a great question! I can actually give personal experience.
About a year ago I started dating a man who had a 5 week old baby girl. Our relationship grew serious pretty quickly and I think the hardest part of the situation was that I grew very attached to that little girl. Long story short, he and I broke up after about a year and I still miss her to this day. I was suppose to be “step-mommy” and I loved her like my own.
Things to consider: You probably WILL always come second, and it should be that way. Second, not only will you be second on the priority list but if you do have exposure to the child know that if the relationship turns into something serious and then it doesn’t work out you lose not only the man but the child. It is a very strange and complicated dynamic.
However, after saying that, regardless of my own outcome I’d say go for it. You never know what the future holds. Keep lines of communication open and make sure you both know the stakes and consequences should things not work out. Be prepared to have plans cancelled or an ex complicate your “relationship.” (It is almost certain to happen). Just make sure that the reason that the previous couple isn’t together doesn’t continue in the future and protect yourself.
KK says
Thanks Kellie for sharing your own personal experience!