Kristen Kady - My Life In Between

Balancing life somewhere between my head and my heart...

Single… and Looking For a Friend

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So you are probably wondering. Is this a duplicate post? Nope… just realized that The Man and I work better as friends then as a couple. Don’t worry, I’m not upset. Within the same week I also found out my ex fiancé got married. I knew both were coming. Actually, it was funny that after I learned about my ex, I also forgot about it in less than an hour, until someone called to ask me how I was doing with the news. I am happy that he found someone as he is a great guy that deserves it. Same goes for The Man. Our relationship had been drifting apart for a couple weeks so I was planning on having “the talk” anyway. Turns out so was he. It was comical, we got together last night and after pouring me a margarita, he says the words “so, we gotta talk” and the first thing that I do is laugh, get a big grin on my face and say, “Sure, go ahead”. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling since he was thinking the same thing that I was! He just is always the first one to get to the point!

When we tried our relationship again, it was absolute bliss for a few weeks, than we fell back into the same routine. We both were adjusting, not changing, but more like compromising ourselves to accommodate each other. And at some point you want to stop because it gets so tiring, you start to feel like you are going crazy and want nothing more than to feel like yourself! There was nothing bad about our relationship; it just was kind of there, floating along…more like a friendship. So we tried and it didn’t work.

I am thankful he came into my life and is still there. He got me interested in things like sports, country music and reading again. He also was able to open my eyes to view the world in a different way. I enjoyed that I was able to teach him things like expanding his pallet even though I don’t think he found eating as pleasurable as I do!

Since he is still my friend, it’s not like I won’t ever see him again. What I will miss (as selfish as it sounds) is the permanent date. Might have been one of the reasons we didn’t break up sooner. Knowing that I had a something to do with someone every Saturday will be missed. I hate the fact that I don’t have a guaranteed companion to explore and experience new things while still being able to enjoy the company. If I could, I would place an ad for a best friend and it would read something like this: SWF looking for female to be platonic friends. Must like company & enjoy fun activities besides getting buzzed at a bar. Willing to accompany me on vacations & dinner outings. Pleasurable conversation a must! I will let you know how that goes but I think I am better off waiting for the friend store to open so I can buy one!

Now I have to go off on my own again, being a single girl. Why is that such a scary thing? Why is being alone so bad? IT ISN’T but it is always nice to have someone to be with. Maybe I might sign up for SINGLES IN THE 303…maybe… but for right now, I think I will go back to being myself. This means going out to dinner alone, volunteering, getting back to ballet & tap classes and spending time with all of my coupled girlfriends when they have the time. Plus school starts up in a couple weeks so my hours not spent at work will be filled with hours of completing homework and studying. Perhaps I could put together a core group of girlfriends, something that I never have had as they always seem to be males, and go from there. I am also due for a vacation as I believe my last official one was my engagement trip. I have been itch’n to go somewhere, it just doesn’t help that all the deals seem to be for Vegas, a place I have never been however, always a place to go with your closest friends…never by yourself. Maybe I will hit up a beach in Florida or California on my own first then save Las Vegas for my birthday in October. In the mean time, I am going to finish unpacking my box of toiletries and such that once lived under The Man’s sink and get on with the rest of my day… and life.

A Man’s Relationship with PDA

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What?! I am stunned, flabbergasted and would still be in slight disbelief if it wasn’t for it being true. How could I have possibly gone through my entire dating life and not known that most men do not like Public Displays of Affection?

It is definitely an interesting realization. If you remember, The Man and I were having problems in the beginning of our relationship because I was SO affectionate however he was not. This was a first for me… every guy before was always touchy feely; wanting to hold hands, kisses while out to dinner and such. The stereotypical puppy dog love, what is normally pictured in cartoon with bugged out eyes and floating hearts; or the type of people that whisper about to closest person to you, “those two should get a room”, as the couple sits cozy on dim light couch at Jet Lounge, ignoring everyone and the world around them.

I have to say I was shocked to find this out. I knew The Man had his reasons behind why he was not a fan of PDA, but then I started asking male co-workers and friends how they felt and the same answer came up time and time again … they are just not a fan of it!

So if most men don’t like doing it, why do they? I have come down to three main reasons on why a man would be affectionate in public: because they want to, because the girl wants it, and because they are marking their territory.

Now, since I know more about the women side, I will address those as well. I believe that women are similar to men. They like it to “feel” loved, to show the public that they are taken – as sexist as it sounds, and because they just want to.

Ok, back to the men… I found this article on AskMen.com so maybe this is one of the reasons why men are so against it. Ha ha… According to the article they’ve “broken down some of the most common PDA attacks and their proper place in your relationship”.  For right now we will disregard the fact that they refer to a woman showing her love for her man as “PDA attacks” and get to the good points that they do make.

To summarize what the article states, there are two acceptable forms of PDA: hand-holding and kissing (within limits). Space invasion and butt smacks are acceptable but tacky and not advised. Declarations of love, pet names, babying are completely unacceptable. I know I tend to take the guys point of view on some of these things, but unfortunately I will have to do it again and agree. I think for the most part it depends on the location or situation.  One of the points that they talk about is space invasion. This is where the “claiming territory” comes in. After reading the paragraph, I believe that the constant touching in public with previous males was because we were younger.

Now looking at it from another angle, I think the peck kiss is like a marking of the territory or putting on a show for others to let them know that you care about the person you are with but with no real benefit to either party. One of my biggest rules has always been, if you are going to kiss me, I want you to KISS me! Kiss me like you MEAN it. What is the point of a small peck good bye; you might as well just hug or wave and say “see ya”!

Since learning of this new profound information I have adjusted to reflect it. I refuse to become more stiff and cold, but I have gotten better about being more conscious of when I start to make The Man feel uncomfortable in public. I have since calmed myself down on all “unnecessary” PDA like silly peck kisses after making fun of him or before getting up to go to the bathroom. But I refuse to give up the small gesture of touching his thigh when he makes me laugh or giving a kiss when smiling doesn’t seem to be enough.

So I guess in the end I want to give some advice to the ladies out there. Pay attention to the way that your man feels when you are out in public and getting all touchy feely. Look at their expressions, their reactions… heck, maybe even ask them how they feel about it. You might be surprised with the answer. Yes, if you are in your teens or early 20’s it might be a little different, but those of you that are beyond the infatuation stage, just might come to the same conclusion as me.  No matter what the case, just keep everything in check, make sure that you and your partner feel comfortable in your own skin and are respecting each other’s own comfort zone as well.

Women Can Plan Dates Too, Right?

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Apparently not this one… maybe I just over think it too much or are am too anal-retentive to do it? You see, recently I wanted to be the one to plan the next date (ok ok, actually it happened today. I was trying to plan for next week) however, after 4 hours of researching and trying to plan I have ended up empty handed and gave up.

I know it sounds lame… how can I not come up with a date idea? Well I can, I just seemed to have picked the wrong weekend to do it! I have been craving a nice night out on the town; you know the one that you put a real effort into your outfit, hair and makeup. Possibly even buy a new dress that makes you feel confident and sexy. I think this feeling stems from me feeling very frumpy lately. I wear frumpy, boring cotton clothes to work and then anytime I have been out and about, it has been t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. Now don’t get me wrong, I love wearing comfy casual clothing but every once and a while you need a change. I feel like Denver has something against me this week and that all my ideas only seem to fit into the month of July.

So my recent date ideas were:

  • Going to a fun charity event
  • Dinner at Fruition, then maybe dessert in a park and a swing set
  • Dinner on the Bistro Vendome patio

Then I started thinking about summer outdoor events

  • Going to an outdoor movie in the park
  • An outdoor festival; whether food or music
  • Activities like hiking, swimming or golf
  • Botanic gardens, zoo, museums, or art galleries

The only charity event worth going to is Janet’s Campat the Shanahan’s home, but I really don’t want to spend all that money. I like charity events where the ticket price isn’t so high so I can actually bid on the auction items or be able to donate. Not just pay for the cost of the event. That’s why I am looking forward to Taste the Nation on July 18th. I couldn’t get a reservation at Fruition (5pm or 9pm) and didn’t really find another place that I knew both of us would like. Of course I found a great place for brunch though (and I am sure I won’t remember it next time I want to go to brunch). There is a park movie playing next weekend but I REFUSE to see New Moon (Twilight lovers, no need to attack). Would love to take him to the Jazz Aspen Snowmass 20th Anniversary Show, however, I have family plans during the day on Saturday, so a 3.5hr drive is out of the question.  Which is another reason we couldn’t do any of the other day time outdoor activities like even City Park Jazz on Sunday. I am booked on Saturday day and he likes to have Sunday to work on his backyard as he is the in the middle of completely re-doing the landscape.

After all this searching I realized all I really wanted was to have a good time with The Man and that anytime I have had a good date it was because it was unplanned! Just between the two of us, it was the going to an outdoor community event, then grabbing food and drinks somewhere. It was the conversations and the people around us that made it fun. I have really enjoyed the low key evenings of a local Rockies game then off bar hopping around town. It was never because we had concrete plans for the entire evening.  I wouldn’t consider myself a spontaneous person, but that doesn’t mean that I have to stick to my plans or the whole entire evening goes to crap. I wanted to plan a date that would have been fun for The Man and for me and he didn’t have to think or do anything. I think with most dates, you do something that reveals a little of what you like doing along with what they like. I don’t know how guys do it time and time again? Maybe it is just me, but there is a lot of pressure! I think I have planned only a few dates, but mainly because of the fear of it failing horribly. Heck, I even did that just the other week with Luisa, tried to plan a fun night out for her, but spent more time stressing about where we would have fun instead of actually doing it. After giving up on plans, we just started going places and ended up having fun driving all around town and stopping at different bars.

I dislike when the anal-retentive perfectionist planner inside gets the best of me. That’s why today after feeling overwhelmed and trying to make everything perfect, I have thrown my hands in the air and gave up. At that point I would rather just stay home, cook a meal, hang out in comfy lounge pants and maybe watch a movie just enjoying the company.

So I guess what I would like to say is, thank you to all the men out there that come up with fantastic ideas on your road to wooing a woman! (And same goes for those women that have that ability to do the same.) Thank you for putting up with neurotic women like myself that want to have the best night but are so caught up in their own head to be able to spit anything out. It makes it so much easier, that we can calm down knowing that you usually have something up your sleeve or have the ability to play it by ear. It is wonderful to be able relax and just spend the time getting to know more about one another, usually laughing along the way. I appreciate you and all the effort that you put into dates! Now I am curious as to what we are going to do next week… after all this, it could be the “nothing” we have planned, which could turn into the best date yet …. *smiles

*Authors note: I wanted to make sure that you know my perfectionist qualities are not related to my most recent post, but is something that has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. Just ask my mother, I cried when I got my first B on a paper and swore they were going to hold me back a grade. I try and use the term “Pobody’s Nerfect” and is something I work on all the time. I know that I am not nor can I ever be perfect and sometimes it takes me a few tries to let go and accept it.