Most of you know that I have been battling the disease Endometriosis for a while, and now as I approach my 10 year anniversary of my diagnosis, I am struggling. I will forewarn you now, that if you don’t want to read about “women problems”, I would recommend that you stop reading here.
Just to recap, in 2001 I went under the knife, via laparoscopy, to have the endometrial tissues cauterized off my ovaries and other various places. After the surgery, I went through nine months of hormone therapy, using Lupron-Depot shot which was the first time that I experienced menopause. In 2008, the endometriosis started to rear its ugly head and I went through another nine month session of menopause, filled with the glorious hormone rollercoaster, hot flashes and irritability. Now here it is, 2010 and my body is deciding to change.
I have been taking birth control bills continuously for the past ten years, this means having my period only 3-4 times a year. Unfortunately it costs me an arm and a leg ($60 every 3 weeks) but never having my period means that the tissue never gets a chance to grow. The past two months have been a doozy! My hormones are out of whack; my face is breaking out, I have mood swings and the bleeding. The constant bleeding… In the past, I have been able to solve the problem by doubling up on pills or by going off of them for a week to have a full period. This solved it for about 3 days, only for it to start up again. I went to my OB-GYN and had about 6 tests done. And now I have to wait for the results. I hate waiting for results! I did hear back that my thyroid is fine and I’m not anemic but I almost wish there was something wrong, so at least I could have an answer! Instead I have to wait for the results from the biopsy hoping that they found a problem in that, but if they don’t, we begin even more tests with more waiting…
The question that I face is now and again is, is it all worth it in the end? Is the pain and frustration, the surgeries and bleeding for months on end, all worth it? Should I continue on in the hopes that my uterus will be able to able to carry a child? That my ovaries are even capable of releasing an egg? I want to be a mother more than anything, but how do I know I am supposed to give birth to a child? I know it seems silly to be under the age of 30 and questioning whether or not to get a hysterectomy, but this is a question that I ask myself all the time (usually when riding the wave of the emotional rollercoaster). My mother (who also has endometriosis) always says it’s worth it, because that is how she got me. My eyes begin to water just by writing those words. How can I ask whether or not to keep my uterus when my poor mother put her body through hell to be able to give birth to my brother and me? I know I am one of the lucky ones. My mother and many other women out there have had it much worse. I am lucky to have caught this so early in life before the repercussions of endometrial growth could have taken over my organs and possibly been forced to have an oversized uterus removed.
I don’t know what the future holds for me and my female parts, but I do know that I have to have faith and trust that everything happens for a reason. Whether I am given the wonderful gift of being able to give birth to a child made from my own genes or blessed with a baby that was born from a different womb or just being Aunt Kristen to all the little ones of family and friends, I must trust that it is worth the pain and frustration that I endure now. So now I must wait…have faith…and patience…