Another photo challenge started and failed. But frankly, I had more important things to do than snap a picture every day. This year I determined to get my life in order instead of feeling scattered all over the place; and now for the first time I feel comfortable to talk about it.
Most of my life I’ve been considered an introvert but I never really had a solid understanding of who I was. With friends, I would find myself conforming to the person and who I thought they would like. Almost like the need to buy friends and let them walk all over me or use me. I would give and give and give but never get anything in return. Struggling in relationships, both romantic and friend, I could ruin romantic relationship by over analyzing and pushing them so far to break up with me. None of this ever made me happy.
So this year I made a promise to myself to get “centered”. I started seeing a psychiatrist in January and on the first day, I walked in with a list of things about myself that I saw as red flags and wanted to change (including items I had asked for from family and close friends). We have a standing appointment every Friday morning. We’ve tried multiple types of medications, combinations that caused different side effects and good and bad feelings but now after 11 months for the first time I feel comfortable in my own skin. It was scary and weird to think that hearing myself laugh out loud was something new for me. To best describe it I have chronic depression and anxiety. We determined that the reason I never really noticed how bad it had become was because I was constantly go-go-go. I would keep myself busy with extra hours of work to avoid falling into a sad mode. Think running on a high of adrenaline at all times to avoid crashing.
My doctor and I have finally come up with a perfect balance that I am truly grateful for. There was a time I thought of medication as being a copout. Only for those who couldn’t control things on their own. Maybe it was my experiences as a child going on and off of them but after this, I still believe everything happens for a reason. Through the help of my doctor, I am now steady and in control of my life. I no longer have sleepless night from anxiety, weekends spent on a couch not wanting to move, the irritability has vanished, spontaneous change of plans doesn’t bring on anxiety attacks and now I want more than anything to go out and experience everything life has to offer.
This is how I start my morning every day… 15 pills (which includes vitamins too) filled with antidepressants, mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety pills and I would not trade it for anything in the world.
On another note, I have been wanting a dog for at least two years but every time I went to go look at one, I felt that I wouldn’t be able to take care of it. I couldn’t handle the responsibility probably because I could barely handle being responsible for myself and it wouldn’t be fair to them. Now that I am self-assured, confident in my own abilities and a clear understanding of what I want in life I finally got a dog. Just randomly looking online one morning (like I’ve done in the past every few weeks) at available dogs and within four hours I was on my way to pick up a puppy. I am absolutely in love with her. Her coloring is gorgeous, blue/grey with random bits of white and tan. He tiny tan eyebrows remind me of my first dog Max, a Rottweiler that I adored. In honor of her navy blue eyes and coat, I’ve decided to name her Neela – Indian for blue. With the end of my relationship with GC (a mutual agreement as we realized we wanted different things) she couldn’t have come into my life at more of a perfect time. I can give her all the attention she needs; train and discipline while still being loved and cared. This will make for a dog that could be loved by other dogs and humans alike. Until I can find a person to become my partner in life at least I have this baby girl to keep me busy.