Oh the joys of sitting inside my head….Have you ever found that being by yourself having time to sit inside your head can only lead to trouble?
I did such a great job over the weekend being positive and really understanding why everything happened but it wasn’t until yesterday when I spent most of the day alone inside that I had a lot of time to sit inside my head, making matters worse. I of course have to think of all the things that I did wrong in my relationship, especially being the person I am. It is a love/hate relationship with myself. I love that I am able to psycho analyze myself but sometimes I tend to over think things (just ask Tim, we’ve had MANY conversations of my thinking going way too far that I seem to get lost) and would explain this very lengthy post!
When I had finally kicked myself out into the real world (needed a few things from the store) I was walking through the store chatting on the phone with my mother and she asked me, “Why do you always date unavailable or unobtainable men?” Wow….it was something that I never really thought of, especially with all the information that I have learned about myself throughout the years, before and after therapy. But it was true! Let’s go through the list of serious relationships.
First & third – Richard/Coulter – Unavailable by location – when we first dated, he had just turned 21 and I was 17, I couldn’t go out to all the places that he was. The second time around, he REALLY was unavailable because he was either in another state or country!
Second – Jeremy – Unavailable by religion – he was Jewish and I was not. Plain and simple, cut and dry. Let’s put it this way, even though we dated for almost 3yrs, I never met his mother.
Fourth – Tim – Unavailable by age – this one I knew and kind of planned after therapy. He was recently divorced and we were both looking for someone to learn how relationships work in a healthy way. We both knew that there was no future except in friendship, which still exists.
And Last – The Man – Unavailable by emotion – This one I knew from the moment we started dating but chose to ignore due to him having EVERYTHING else I was looking for in a man. I just figured he would warm up over time.
So of course I have to ask myself the age old question of “Why?” I think that maybe I was still “testing the waters” and trying to figure out what I am looking for in a spouse. I’ve gone through a range of men, from one end of the spectrum to the other and now know what I want and need for a partner. Now it’s just a matter of finding him.
Why the rush? I have recently been thinking about this question as well. Why am I putting such pressure on myself to get married and have a child? I think it comes from a few things as I approach my 28th birthday. The day after my recent breakup I watched the movie The Back-up Plan, starring Jennifer Lopez and Alex O’Loughlin with the synopsis being “After years of dating, Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) has decided waiting for the right one is taking too long. Determined to become a mother, she commits to a plan, makes an appointment and decides to go it alone. That same day, Zoe meets Stan (Alex O’Loughlin) a man with real possibilities.”
One of the reason’s I saw this movie was a couple years ago (after my engagement) I said that by the age of 30 I was going to have a baby with or without a man. This was a great plan for me, except for the few main problems. 1 – it is VERY selfish, 2 – I am not THAT old and 3 – I have decided to go back to school so now I wouldn’t have time for school, work and a child. I always wanted to be a young mother. My mother gave birth to me at the age of 28. She always thought of herself as an older mother, so what will that make me?
I know that 28 is still very young and that women are now getting their careers in place before getting a family. But what about me? My career won’t be up and going till my mid to late thirties. I guess I am antsy. I know what I want, how to get it and what to do with it once I get it. I would hate to have all the knowledge but never get to put it into action! I have joked that I will end up an old maid with 17 cats but the truth is, it is an actual fear.
In the mean time between now and then, I need to get back to directing my energy toward other things. It is time to start volunteering and dedicating my time to other activities and stop focusing on my lack of relationships. If you remember, I used to have a “life list” (also known as a bucket list) on my website. Well I still keep that going and since moving back to Colorado, I have added many of things that I want to do in my beautiful state. Oh, and don’t worry. You will still get your fun relationship posts as my BFF Tim has recently decided to enter the dating world, so I will have plenty of fun posts along with more bar observations!
See, spend enough time inside your head and soon enough you’ll figure it all out…at least for the time being. *smiles*