Almost every time that I talk with one of male friends, one of the first questions that I ask him is “Dating, seeing or sleeping with anyone new?” The truth is, for a single person in my age group, you are usually doing one of the three things or none of the above. As scary as it might seem to hear this to those that are older and married, this is reality. If you are not a virgin or in a committed relationship, you find yourself hopping from bed to bed, in the hopes of finding a partner that interests you in some way (depending on what exactly you would like stimulated). Your friends that are in a relationship don’t understand why you don’t just settle down with someone and your single friends that are choosing not to bounce from bed to bed, don’t understand what the purpose is. Is this really the only “in-between” option for us? What if you don’t have time for a relationship but don’t want to have casual sex?… I believe they would call that a friendship
Definitions (per me)
Sleeping – exactly what it sounds like. It is a purely sexual relationship and nothing more. Also know as a “friend with benefits”
Seeing – you have meet with this person a few times, and haven’t decided what direction it is going to go from here. It can turn into a sleeping or dating relationship from this point. You might have had a make-out session or two, but the relationship is just only starting to bud
Dating – you enjoy this persons company along with finding them sexually attractive. You have been seeing them for a while now and probably because you respect this person, you have chosen not to “seal the deal” just yet because you are curious to see where it goes and have found your once empty time is now filled with this person.
Now that we have established that, is it possible to go from a lust relationship to a real relationship filled with love and respect? Let’s say you have known a person for a while and started a physical relationship, is it possible to move into a rounded healthy relationship? If you built the relationship on something other than sex in itself like friendship, then yes, it has potential. But if what you have built it on is purely sexual attraction then the possibilities are slim. I am not saying the relationship isn’t capable of growing, but let’s just be honest. It doesn’t have the best track record.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what type of relationship that you are in, as long as YOU are happy. If you have taken a step back and noticed that you are not, then it is time to look inside yourself. It may sound cheesy, but how can you love someone else, if you can’t love yourself? I bet you, that if you start focusing on yourself things will just happen. Whether you are doing things that you enjoy and redirecting your energy internally or as basic as working on that project at work, it will all change the situation. That is why they usually say that love happens when you least expect it.
So whatever your current relationship position, I wish you the best!
Authors note: If you feel you need help or guidance, don’t be afraid to contact me. I will also start a forum on this topic so don’t be afraid to post, it can be completely anonymous.
BrendanB says
I have been following your blog for some time now. I was actually googling for a blog by another Kristen I know, and stumbled here. I guess life is funny that way. I hope it’s ok that I am here and commenting. If not, please let me know.
Anyways, you asked us to post if we need help. And since your last few entries have revolved around dating and guy/girl dynamics, I thought I would pose a question to you that’s been bouncing around in my head for the past few months. I am a little older than you, but close enough to where I think your insights will still be very applicable to my life.
With that out of the way, here goes: Are random people (people that you will very likely never see again) off limits for dating?
For years now I have been operating on the assumption that the answer to that question is yes for a whole host of reasons:
1. People simply don’t respond well to strangers. Even if I strike up a great conversation about how much I love the weather here in California, you really are stuck when the train comes a halt, or when the line you’re standing in starts to move again. Because at that point the conversation is over. You’re only choice is to ask for a phone number or something along those lines. Who in this day and age is going to give out personal information to some stranger they just met? I wouldn’t.
2. You don’t know the person. For example, I’ve heard some girls say they always initially deny requests for a phone number or a date in an effort to see if the other part will “try harder”. Now I can count the number of times I’ve tried to make something happen with a stranger in my life using just one hand. I’m not what you would call experienced in this. But I can tell you right now that when the other party displayed even a hint of apprehension, I was thanking them, and recoiling back into my proper place as polite stranger. Any of the women could have wanted me to try harder, but how am I supposed to know that?
3. There is no way to really know if the other person is interested before you take the plunge into direct contact. I’ve heard people say that extended eye contact (usually for some arbitrary amount of seconds) is an invitation, but that’s pretty thin. For all I know I could have mustard on my cheek. Or it could the dreaded “she was looking at a friend sitting behind you” mix up. If you have ever waved to someone who was waving at someone behind you, well, it ain’t a good feeling.
4. Since you don’t know that person and they know you don’t know them, they automatically know that the only reason you are standing in front of them is the way they look. It’s a sad truth. They know you are least somewhat superficial and probably assume you are a lot more than “somewhat” so.
5. The fact that there is probably a 60-70% chance that person is in another relationship. Which means that no matter how charming you are (assuming you even are) and no matter how well that conversation goes, the odds are just plain stacked against you. All of this has been enough to keep me away from strangers for, well, a long time now.
There are other reasons of course, but I think you get the idea. Having said all that, are we really stuck? Are we really forced to watch these people walk in and out of our lives?
We all know that real life isn’t like a chick flick. People are awkward, shy, and mistrustful. And they should be.
The most eligible lady in my office is a 58 year old divorcee. I know I said I was older than you, but I’m not THAT much older. So what would you do? Do I keep waiting for some fortuitous meeting of a friend of a friend? Do I wait for lightening to strike? Or do I wander out into the storm, and try to increase my chances? Do we take chances with strangers? Or do we sit and wait and let something happen organically?
KK says
Brendan,
Thank you so much for reading and being bold enough to make a comment.
We all know that dating is frustrating, VERY frustrating! People who are in a relationship forgot what it took to get there.
Your initial question asked was, “Are random people (people that you will very likely never see again) off limits for dating?” This is a definite NO! It just makes the initial contact a little harder. But you then lead into other questions that I would also like to address. You made a comment about the “most eligible lady” in your office, if you two have not already made a connection at some point, I would not advise that you take action with her. Let that be… plus, I think I might be confused on what your actual age is. (If you are over the age of 50, I have additional advice for you.)
As for talking to people out in public, here is an article I stumbled upon in regards to that exact thing http://bit.ly/1RUt7x . The only problem you face is that we as a society have stopped being able talk to each other face-to-face and now only via electronic text. When was the last time people looked you in the eyes and said hello while walking down the street? Oh, and any woman that has told you to “try harder” is not worth your time… sounds more like a high maintenance pain in the butt woman who will only get more demanding if the relationship continued.
Another option would be online dating, (no need for an eye roll) as this HAS worked for others. My last option, which always seems to work out best, is find something that you enjoy doing and do it. I know it sounds so simple, but it really works! If you start spending all your time thinking about dating or finding someone, you will start to lose who you are leading you no where. The reason they say that love finds you when you least expect it is because you are concentrating on yourself. You are a whole human being and don’t come off as being needy or desperate. You also may find someone who has a common interest as you. Whether it is playing Scrabble, cooking classes, volunteering at a shelter, or silly as playing kickball, you will find that once you are involved in your own life, this makes you more attractive which then brings on the possibility of dates.
Please understand that this advise was written in a more general manor than I would like to, but if you have more information to add that might let me see what things you have tried and didn’t work, contact me at kristen@kristenkady.com so maybe we can get to the heart of the problem. Otherwise Brendan, I wish you the best of luck in the horrible crazy world we call dating! When you start to get discouraged, take a step back, take a deep breath, put on a smile and keep on living your life. Hang in there!
Brendan says
Kristen,
Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply.
After thinking it over, you are 100% correct about simply doing something I enjoy. I’m not sure why this never occurred to me before! I am going to follow your advice and join a few local clubs around town. and let you know how it goes.
You should put some of this stuff in a book!
Thanks again,
B